I Must Have Really Screwed Up In My Past Life
When I got up this morning my rabbit Billy was
nowhere to be seen. This bothered me, every time he goes out he gets
into trouble or I do. I could see my car was still in the driveway so
that was good, he doesn't have a license but he can drive and he does.
After I checked the hammock out back and his room I made coffee and
watched the sun come up over the water. I would rather watch it go down
over the water but this is Texas and most of the Gulf Coast faces
east. I saw a figure with large ears walking the street towards me, and
lit another cigarette. I could hardly wait to hear his story this
time.
Billy got to the house and went inside, then came out with coffee and sat in a chair next to me.
'I bet you're mad at me', he said. 'Again'.
'Why? Should I be'? I was mad at him but nothing special.
'You never let me go anywhere or have any fun at all'. He sipped his coffee and scalded his mouth. 'I don't know anyone else like me and living with you sucks'. There was a lot of truth to that but he was leaving out some things. 'Billy, every time you have fun either the cops bring you home or you wreck the car or get in fights. I'm tired of being lectured by our mouth breathing police about how I'm caring for my poor helpless bunny while you lock yourself in your room and turn the stereo up to eleven. It's a good thing I'm too old for girlfriends 'cause I sure wouldn't have any with you around. I promised my dying aunt I would take care of her beloved rabbit but I had no idea what I was getting into. I can't abandon you anywhere, that's been made perfectly clear to me, and...and...are those my shoes'?
Billy got huffy and jumped out of his chair. 'No, your shoes don't fit me'! I was staring at a ruined pair of Italian all leather saddle shoes with the toes cut out of them, recently. 'Billy, I...' but he ran into the house sobbing. 'You hate me'! He ran into the house and into his room and I could hear the door lock. Very loud metal guitar music vibrated the walls.
OK, this is it. It's me or him. Talking animals are protected except in Oklahoma and parts of Idaho, but I had had it up to here. A hunting accident was out of the question, I don't own a gun and as a registered anthro owner I probably wouldn't be able to buy one. I could take him sailing but that sounded like an invitation to a murder conviction. Just then a police car pulled up in front of the house.
Oh, fuck, great, happy day. Two big cops got out and walked up to the porch. One of them looked around at all my wind chimes and the other stuck a picture of a rabbit in my face.
'You know this guy'? He asked, knowing full well I did.
'Yes', I replied, 'but...'
'But nothing, creep. The mayor sent us to collect him and bring him downtown'. He glared down at me.
'You ain't invited'.
Billy, who had been watching all this from the window behind me, was led away by the two smiling cops. One of them opened the rear door for him and before he closed it the rabbit gave me the finger. They drove away so I went inside and started washing dishes. I was wondering if hanging myself would hurt when there was a banging on the front door. I dried my hands and opened the door to blinding light and a bunch of people shouting questions at me.
'How's it feel to live with a hero? Are you proud of your rabbit now? He's says you beat him, hope you're proud of yourself, tough guy'. I was astonished. I knew I was going to look even more stupid than usual when the tape showed on the news, I'm not photogenic at the best of times and this was not one of them.
Long story short, Billy was leaving a notorious dive bar last night when a young couple was assaulted by two of the local usual suspects, it seems they were not paying attention to a small, harmless, drunk rabbit when he picked up a shrimpboat winch handle and knocked them both out, one permanently. He left before the cops got there and walked home, probably to establish a partial alibi. Being the only bipedal rabbit in the tri-county area it was easy to find him, the mayor was in tears that someone had saved his whoredog daughter and her worthless fiance from major harm. I watched him on the news as the mayor put a medal around his neck while hundreds of people applauded. When he got home later that night he was wearing a new suit and expensive new shoes that actually fit him. Later a limousine pulled up and 3 bunny girls got out and walked past me into his room, I heard the door lock. Not long after that there was a knock on the front door and when I went out and looked around I heard a window close behind me and the door deadbolt shoot into position. I've been outside all night and none of the neighbors will answer their doors. I thought about drowning myself but I hate salt water and besides, I'd get my chance. Billy cannot stay out of trouble and I have a long memory. The worst part of all this was I had a pack of cigarettes but no lighter.
Billy got to the house and went inside, then came out with coffee and sat in a chair next to me.
'I bet you're mad at me', he said. 'Again'.
'Why? Should I be'? I was mad at him but nothing special.
'You never let me go anywhere or have any fun at all'. He sipped his coffee and scalded his mouth. 'I don't know anyone else like me and living with you sucks'. There was a lot of truth to that but he was leaving out some things. 'Billy, every time you have fun either the cops bring you home or you wreck the car or get in fights. I'm tired of being lectured by our mouth breathing police about how I'm caring for my poor helpless bunny while you lock yourself in your room and turn the stereo up to eleven. It's a good thing I'm too old for girlfriends 'cause I sure wouldn't have any with you around. I promised my dying aunt I would take care of her beloved rabbit but I had no idea what I was getting into. I can't abandon you anywhere, that's been made perfectly clear to me, and...and...are those my shoes'?
Billy got huffy and jumped out of his chair. 'No, your shoes don't fit me'! I was staring at a ruined pair of Italian all leather saddle shoes with the toes cut out of them, recently. 'Billy, I...' but he ran into the house sobbing. 'You hate me'! He ran into the house and into his room and I could hear the door lock. Very loud metal guitar music vibrated the walls.
OK, this is it. It's me or him. Talking animals are protected except in Oklahoma and parts of Idaho, but I had had it up to here. A hunting accident was out of the question, I don't own a gun and as a registered anthro owner I probably wouldn't be able to buy one. I could take him sailing but that sounded like an invitation to a murder conviction. Just then a police car pulled up in front of the house.
Oh, fuck, great, happy day. Two big cops got out and walked up to the porch. One of them looked around at all my wind chimes and the other stuck a picture of a rabbit in my face.
'You know this guy'? He asked, knowing full well I did.
'Yes', I replied, 'but...'
'But nothing, creep. The mayor sent us to collect him and bring him downtown'. He glared down at me.
'You ain't invited'.
Billy, who had been watching all this from the window behind me, was led away by the two smiling cops. One of them opened the rear door for him and before he closed it the rabbit gave me the finger. They drove away so I went inside and started washing dishes. I was wondering if hanging myself would hurt when there was a banging on the front door. I dried my hands and opened the door to blinding light and a bunch of people shouting questions at me.
'How's it feel to live with a hero? Are you proud of your rabbit now? He's says you beat him, hope you're proud of yourself, tough guy'. I was astonished. I knew I was going to look even more stupid than usual when the tape showed on the news, I'm not photogenic at the best of times and this was not one of them.
Long story short, Billy was leaving a notorious dive bar last night when a young couple was assaulted by two of the local usual suspects, it seems they were not paying attention to a small, harmless, drunk rabbit when he picked up a shrimpboat winch handle and knocked them both out, one permanently. He left before the cops got there and walked home, probably to establish a partial alibi. Being the only bipedal rabbit in the tri-county area it was easy to find him, the mayor was in tears that someone had saved his whoredog daughter and her worthless fiance from major harm. I watched him on the news as the mayor put a medal around his neck while hundreds of people applauded. When he got home later that night he was wearing a new suit and expensive new shoes that actually fit him. Later a limousine pulled up and 3 bunny girls got out and walked past me into his room, I heard the door lock. Not long after that there was a knock on the front door and when I went out and looked around I heard a window close behind me and the door deadbolt shoot into position. I've been outside all night and none of the neighbors will answer their doors. I thought about drowning myself but I hate salt water and besides, I'd get my chance. Billy cannot stay out of trouble and I have a long memory. The worst part of all this was I had a pack of cigarettes but no lighter.
I didn't take this but when I tell people that they look down at their watches and announce that they have to be somewhere.
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